The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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