Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
