I faked an abortion last night.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
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