i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
is wine microwaveable?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
