she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
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