No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
We named our party play list daddy issues
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
