you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
