On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
