Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
