I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
