I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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