I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
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Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
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we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.