areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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