Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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