well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
