Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
