dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
