I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
it was like his penis was on wheels.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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