foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
