Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
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