But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
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i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
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HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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