I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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