i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
