I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
