If i could tip my vagina, i would.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
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im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
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You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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