Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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