Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
