I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
