you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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