Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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