but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
