Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
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after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
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I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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