I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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