I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
