dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
