He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
