I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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