she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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