I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
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I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
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I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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