She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
