my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
