beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
