my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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