My sheets look like a crime scene.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
