So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
