pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
