I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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