guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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