He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
