Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
