It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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