I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
