I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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