I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
