if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
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We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
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I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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