Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
