What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
